The Russians are shafting us – It’s a conspiracy!

As you grow up in life, you quickly learn how crucial it is to avoid situations where “things” surprise you. Like the business meetings – you go to the meeting knowing the answer, you don’t wait to be blindsided by unsavoury or insalubrious characters (by the way, I had to look up insalubrious in a thesaurus – I can’t cope with big words…LOL)…or surprises like them ones you’re girlfriend springs on you when she starts conversations with statements or sentences like “Sweetie, you know that day I told you….”, or “Trust me babes, it’ll be cool…”.

Yeah! Surprises that we all know too well to avoid like a nonsense. Well, today, I didn’t see this one coming. The gas bill. Clearly, over the last 6 months or so, I haven’t been keeping tabs on things that closely…have I? Coz’ if I did, I wouldn’t be viewing this bill wearing the “what the fuck” look on my face.

The kind of look you get when your wife calls you from the ultra-sound clinic to tell you “honey, we’re having twins” when you’ve clearly only planned and budgeted for just the one, or the kind of look when its 3 minutes into stoppage time and you’ve just realized that Hull City are about to beat Arsenal 2-1 at the Emirates….Yeah! that “what the fuck” look.

Is it humanly possible to get a fuel bill of this amount in such a short space of time? I know its winter and its freezing cold, but did I miss the revolution that shot up gas prices to the point of shafting me like this? There’s only two logical explanations.

Either whoever put together this bill clearly mistook my address for the bed and breakfast at Shrewsbury in Shropshire (where we possibly share a street name and house number), or the Russians are engineering this to shaft me….

I’m trying to draw a line between their drama with Ukraine and how we ended up here. Clearly someone hasn’t been paying bills in Ukraine, but does Russia turning off the gas tap into Europe translate into shafting this quickly? You know, its easy now to understand why people go to war for fuel – well, they tell the rest of the world that they’re spreading democracy and protecting liberties (my entire black ass) – But truth be told, I’m ready to pick up a survival gun if someone is not going to bring gas prices down.

Where are the days we used to live without worrying that winter has a cost of surviving. Back home, the only interaction I had with gas was to occasionally dropdown to Kang’ethe and the boys down the bus stop stalls and ask them to deliver one of them big cylinders and mathe will pay up at the end of the month.

Within the hour, Kang’ethe will be at the house, gas cylinder on the wheelbarrow, and he’ll fix the new one, take the old empty one and push his wheelbarrow into the sunset.

Living in these sub-zero temperatures makes me ask what the hell I’m doing in this place. I know heating is a necessity, but for crying out loud, its never been this expensive. Believe me when I tell you its a situation that your life depends on.

Some time ago (must be about 11 years ago now), I went to visit a friend for the weekend and his landlord – it was one of these shared accommodations split houses where there’s several tenants – for some reason decided that my host was not going to have heating until an issue was resolved.

I have never experienced such cold in my life, despite sleeping in long-johns, jeans, a vest, two thermal t-shirts, two sweatshirts, a heavy sweater jacket and a winter coat on top. Going to the loo was a project in itself considering that any exposure to cold could have a lasting impact on your manhood….its the sort of cold that freezes your scrotum literally, you wouldn’t struggle to grate cheese on it if your life depended on it.

My point is…its not human to conspire to shaft us for desiring heating, a basic necessity in life that ranks up there with food, water and shelter. Yeah! What the fuck!

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