9
Jul

Smart anti snore pillow for apnea

What Causes Sleep Apnea

A person who suddenly wakes up because of difficulty in breathing may probably suffer from sleep apnea. This condition occurs when the air cannot get into your lungs while you are sleeping.

When your muscle throat temporarily collapses, it will make you wake up gasping to breath. This experience is scary because you might loss your good sleep pattern when not controlled. Sleeping position has a big role why sleep apnea happens.

One cause of sleep apnea is when your throat muscles become over relaxed.

The throat muscle relaxes enough when you are sleeping on your back and makes you open-mouthed. This can cause stop of breathing and can awake you gasping for air because your tongue can slip backwards and upwards inside your mouth. In this situation, what causes sleep apnea is when you are sleeping on your back.

You can counter this situation if you will sleep on your stomach or on your side to have a good sleep.

Large adenoids or tonsils are another thing that causes sleep apnea.

If this is cause why you have interrupted sleep, need not worry because the best treatment to resolve your problem is through surgery.

Your physician can recommend you to a surgeon who will make the surgery such as the uvulopalatppharryngoplasty wherein the tonsils or uvula is removed.

The uvula is being removed so that it will not cover your bronchial tubes when you are sleeping. However, this kind of surgery may be helpful to some people but cannot help other.

Being overweight is what causes sleep apnea.

When you gain weight, fats are also deposited in the soft tissues in your mouth and at the back of your throat thus blocking the airway during your sleep.

You can use a device such as the snoring mouthpiece that can alleviate the sleep apnea. This device will keep your tongue down and keep your jaw in proper position so that you will be able to breathe well.

The size of your skull and the shape of your neck bones can also cause sleep apnea. It has something to do with your sleeping because when you lie down the bones force the muscles to close over the throat.

What causes sleep apnea can be determined when you consult your doctor about the things that you experienced while you are sleeping.


What about a snoring chinstrap?

chin strap for snoringWhat is the best tonic for a healthy mind and body? Sound sleep!

A person who sleeps tight at night without any breaks for 6 to 8 hours is the most blessed man.

There are many problems like stress, physical diseases and illnesses which can majorly affect regular sleep. But one of the most common reasons for sleep apnea or sleeping disorder is snoring.

Snoring is also caused due to deviated septum which is a very serious problem of nostrils. Snoring chin strap is ultimate cure for simple snorers who want to get rid of the trembling sound they make while sleeping.

Although, snoring is not that grave disease on its own, its consequences are hazardous for the health of snorer and also who sleeps with him.

Many times, the snoring is due to nasal congestion which is a common problem during cough and cold. Apart from obesity, smoking habit also leads to snoring. If the snoring is regular then proper treatment can reduce or completely eliminate this ailment.

Benefits of a snoring chinstrap

Apart from medication and treatment, the most commonly used remedy for snoring is chin strap. It has no side effects and can be used for long duration.

It is a kind of a wrap which is wrapped around the jaw covering the chin till the back of head. The wrap is held tightly with a faster so that the jaws are compressed and there is no scope for opening of mouth.

Many individuals have habit of keeping their mouth open while sleeping. Usually this habit gets inhibited from the childhood stage. These prolong action results in stretching of muscles in mouth and throat. This is one of the major causes of snoring and increases the risk of obstructive sleep apnea.

Snoring chin strap supports the lower jaw and restricts it from opening accidentally while you sleep. This action helps to restore the original positioning of tissues. You can see immediate snoring cure or after a while. Studies have shown that, snoring chin strap can minimize the risk of obstructive sleep apnea.

Although, the strap looks funny and is not in sync with the common fashion styling, it works wonders in case of snoring. It can certainly help to eradicate the sleeping disturbances caused due to this ailment.

You can use this wrap anytime while sleeping and there are no restrictions as to how many times you can use it.

You can put on and put off this wrap on your own without anyone’s help which saves your trips to the hospital.

It is such a small thing, that you can carry it anywhere without compromising space.

Snoring chin strap can be easily bought online and is one of the cheapest and zero maintenance solution.


Symptoms of Sleep Apnea

Symptoms of sleep apnea are not always easy to detect thus frequently undiagnosed. Sleep apnea is a common sleep disorder that is sometimes dangerous when left untreated. Men who are over the age of forty and are overweight mostly manifested the symptoms of this sleep disorder. However, both men and women can be affected as well as in children.

The clearest symptom is snoring that is hard to determine by yourself and has to be brought to your attention by someone who sleeps with you.

Loud snoring with snorting is worth investigating because this situation shows that the windpipe collapses upon inhaling because of over relaxation of the throat muscles. Most apnea sufferers snore however, it does not mean by itself that you suffer from it for the mere reason that you snore.

One of the symptoms of sleep apnea is undue tiredness during daytime. Sleep disorder is experienced when an apnea sufferer frequently stops breathing during sleep.

The body’s natural reaction is to wake up for you to start breathing again but you are more likely unaware that you are awakened thus promotes sleep disorder.

Once you are awakened, your sleep is continually interrupted that you are not able to get the deep sleep that you need.

Not being able to sleep may result to tiredness during the day which manifests in being so sleepy at daytime. Morning headache along with sore throat and dry mouth are associated with the symptoms of sleep apnea that resulted from lack of oxygen to the brain.

If left untreated, an individual will begin to experience the effects of sleep apnea such as headache especially in the morning, irritability, personality changes, problems concentrating and depression as well as gain weight.

Increase blood pressure is another sleep apnea symptom that could lead to cardiovascular problems. If you feel that you are having interruptible sleep and your blood pressure is rising, you should consult your doctor for a physical routine. Due to frequent sleep interruptions, a person can experience learning difficulties and decrease in memory retention though you cannot notice it yourself. Lastly, drop in sexual function and numbers of sleep apnea sufferers’ manifests impotency.

If you are noticing these symptoms, act immediately and consult your physician to have a routine check up. Symptoms of sleep apnea though vague can be treated if diagnosed earlier.

Snoring and Sleep Apnea

smart anti snore pillowSnoring and sleep apnea are two different things but are associated with each other. Snoring is the rattling or harsh sound usually produced when a person is in a deep sleep.

When the soft palate vibrates a snoring sound is produced because of the air inhaled through the mouth. The snoring makes even louder when the soft tissue vibrates along with the lips and cheeks. Men snore more often than women and children.

Snoring has several causes. The snoring may also be caused by cold and other respiratory infection. Swollen tonsils and adenoids can also cause snoring as well as other medical conditions.

A misshapen wall separating the nasal cavity, called a deviated nasal septum, or a growth in the cavity, called a nasal polyp, both of which cause nasal blockages, can also cause snoring.

Snoring can also occur when flabby throat muscles are drawn into the airway, particularly when alcohol, drugs, or deep sleep overly relaxes muscular control.

Maybe you will wonder how snoring and sleep apnea is associated. This is because a person who snores is prone experience sleep apnea.

Learning about snoring will make you understand why these two conditions are linked together. In one form of sleep apnea, the muscles that hold open the airway relax and make the air way to collapse. This condition is can lead to obstructive apnea.

When a person wakes briefly to gasps his or her breath it means that the oxygen level in the bloodstream and brain becomes too low. Although the patient has awakened yet may not realize it sooner.

That is why they may not understand why they feel sleepy during daytime. Snoring and sleep apnea have one thing in common; it makes interrupted sleep.

Sleep apnea is a more serious disorder in such a way that apart from halting the breath it can also cause excessive sleepiness during the day and has been associated with some heart disorders.

Doctors usually advise snorers to lose weight and eliminate the fat deposits in the throat area. They also recommend that snorers lose weight and sleep on their sides rather than on their backs.

Snoring and sleep apnea device will provide relief from discomfort and allow anyone to have undisturbed sleep throughout the night.

Sleep Apnea Treatments

Sleep apnea treatments are vital and vary according to the type of apnea, the medical history of the patient as well as to the severity of the condition. An individual who suffers from sleep apnea experiences stop of breathing many times during sleep at night.

The consequences of sleep apnea can be serious and might lead to cardiovascular disease and hypertension. That is why it is important to look for effective treatment that would help stop the sleep disorder.

Any sufferer can choose several sleep apnea treatments. Treatments include change in lifestyle, physical intervention, CPAP machine, surgery, prescription medicines and oral snoring devices.

Oftentimes; it needs to use combination of treatments because single type of treatment may not work on its own.

You can begin treatment by adhering to simple lifestyle change instructions such as avoiding alcohol, limiting intake of sedatives and muscle relaxants for the central nervous system, quit smoking and lose weight.

Taking can also take certain foods such as olive oil for snoring.

Other sleep apnea treatments

sleep apnea treatmentSleep apnea treatment can also include using devices to keep the patient from sleeping on her or his back by using special pillow. Wearing an oral device during sleep is ideal to keep the airway open.

An example of this device is the mandibular advancement splint that holds the lower jaw down to keep the tongue from blocking the airway.

Some of the best mandibular advancement splints include Zyppah, PureSleep, Zquiet, and SnoreRx.

Another possible treatment is prescription medicines wherein you can take stimulants that lessen the number of episodes of sleep apnea however, it also produce side effects such as insomnia and palpitations.

Surgical procedure is one of the more invasive treatments although the success rate is not high. You can choose several procedures only with physician’s advice.

Make sure that you undergo surgery with a licensed surgeon. Currently, most sleep apnea sufferers widely used treatment is the continuous positive airway pressure.

This treatment requires the patient to wear a mask over the nose and mouth while sleeping. Many patients are reluctant at first in using the mask because of its inconvenient nature.

However, due to the quick results obtained, patients become accommodated to the treatment. CPAP is highly effective and a remarkable difference can be notice in the first night that you will use it. Sleep apnea treatments will only be effective if done in proper way.

Anti snore pillow

smart anti snore pillowAnti snore pillow is designed for snorers because snoring is a sign that an individual suffers from sleep apnea. There are people who experience sleep disorder because of frequent pauses of breathing and this condition is called sleep apnea.

It has three types such as the central, obstructive and mixed sleep apnea. The most common type that is frequently suffered by many individuals is the obstructive sleep apnea.

When the throat muscles is over-relaxed, the windpipe collapses and obstruct the airway. This kind of sleep disorder could be treated from simply changing the lifestyle to surgery depending on the severity of the condition.

The sleep apnea pillow is one of the non-invasive treatments that are designed to support the neck and prevent from rolling onto their backs. Likewise, it also helps in keeping the tongue from blocking the airway and relieves the pressures on the arms and shoulders of side sleepers.

One example of this pillow is the SONA- a two-layered padded triangle pillow is very helpful in treating sleep apnea because of its angular design. The design is intended to maintain side-sleeping position. The two inclined surfaces of the pillow serves as the primary sleeping surface.

Sleeping position is implemented when using the SONA sleep apnea pillow.

It has a training arm sling in the lower part of the triangle to enable your hand to be extended under the pillow while sleeping. You can use the pillow lie on either side but should maintain your head on the same side along with your extended arms.

Likewise, a body pillow can be used to hug over or to put between your legs to maintain the sleeping position. This sleeping position allows the jaw to be pulled forward so that the tongue will fall backward thus obstruction of the throat will be prevented. You should follow the sleeping instructions while using the sleep apnea pillow to achieve effective result.

On the other hand, there are certain individuals that do not benefit from the SONA pillow. Those individuals include the obese people and those who suffer severe sleep apnea. Like all other pillows, the SONA pillow undergoes normal wear and tear and recommended to be replaced annually. Sleep apnea pillow should be used with your physician’s advice.

Sleep Apnea Surgery

Sleep apnea surgery is one of the many ways of treating the condition. The effectiveness of any surgery varies from every individual. Otolaryngologists as well as oral and maxillofacial surgeons are the physicians who perform the surgery procedures. Because obstructive sleep apnea is the most common type, I will share to you several types of procedures of the surgery.

  • Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty – Adults with sleep apnea often prefer this type of surgery. The uvula is shortened or removed to enlarge the airways as well as part of the soft palate. Likewise, the adenoids and tonsils are also removed.
  • Tonsilectomy – This procedure oftentimes is the first treatment option for children. The enlarged adenoids or tonsils are removed as it is usually the cause of sleep apnea in children.
  • Tracheotomy – This is the most effective sleep apnea surgery for serious apnea sufferers who have failed in other treatments. The procedure creates a hole in the trachea and the air lets in the hole through a tube. However, it is important to clean the site around the tube to prevent from infection.
  • Septoplasty – this is a procedure wherein a crooked septum is straightens.
  • Maxillomandibular osteotomy – This sleep apnea surgery helps enlarge the airway by moving the jaw forward to prevent the tongue from falling backward. This procedure is done for several hours but of high success rates. The recovery period is significant in such a way that potential complications maybe avoided.
  • Radio frequency ablation – This is one of the latest surgeries duly approved by the Food and Drugs Administration wherein it shrinks the size of the palate or the tongue.
  • Repose – This tongue suspension procedure is different from the other surgery. A small screw is inserted into the lower jawbone to prevent the tongue from falling. However, there are no studies made in the long-term success of the procedure.
  • Lingalplasty and laser midline glossectomy are types of surgery for sleep apnea that take out a part of the tongue.

No matter what kind of surgery or procedure you may choose it always best to consult first your physician for proper referral. Sleep apnea surgery should be done by licensed surgeon to be sure that your life is in the good hands.

Sleep Apnea Solutions

Sleep apnea solutions were founded by Dr Stanford Feinberg on the year 1996 from some laboratories in America. The discovery of it was because of the findings that a lot of his patients were complaining about their disrupted sleep and how it contributes to the havoc and problems on their daily dealing with life.

These solutions later on were discovered that could really change or make an impact among patients who have sleeping problems. It really helped them improve their sleep, work and lives as well.

As time innovated this sleep apnea solutions, not only sleep apnea can be healed and treated with these solutions but all other sleeping disorders too thus also creating a broader extension for the treatment of problems in the lives of people.

Neurology, sleep medicine, bariatric medicine and internal medicine were specially improved and formulated for the success of the innovation of the solution.

These solutions were not just examined and improved by anyone but by experts of every medical practitioner around the globe, because one of the goals, aside from the best result among people who has sleep disorders, is for it to continue the meeting of the standards that was given by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM).

And for them to have that goal at hand is the effective and efficient people to be working with the solution’s progress.

Though sleep apnea solutions are already in the field of helping millions of people already while dealing with their problems in sleeping and with their own lives too, still specialist from the world of medicine would want to have their services be at the best of what it should be.

That is why,it is already inclined with the World Wide Web. With the help of the speed of computers and the connectivity the internet has, the easier it is to access with this kind of service. It would be hassle-free and would not cost much time as to what it used to be.

That is why, if you have a problem in sleeping and it is already as if your life is worst already, why not having this kind of answer? Sleep apnea solutions are a must to try for the betterment of your life and all.

Sleep Apnea – Narcolepsy

Sleep Apnea – Narcolepsy is a rare condition that makes a person fall asleep at the oddest moments. This sleep problem is more neurological in nature because a person tends to sleep when he or she wants to keep awake. This happens when the brain sends sleep inducing messages to the body at inappropriate and unpredictable moments.

This sleep disorder is overwhelming, as the person feels asleep in the midst of any activity during the day. Often, a narcoleptic falls asleep when he or she is engaging in activities such as eating, attending a meeting, watching a movie and even conversing with other people.

A narcoleptic has the overpowering desire to sleep despite of doing activities to overcome the sleepiness. This desire to sleep comes several times per day and lasts for a few minutes and commonly known as sleep attacks.

On the other hand, patients find it difficult to sleep because of sleep apnea. Narcolepsy may attach anytime but during the night, the patient will have difficulty to fall asleep.

They usually wake up several times even if they fall asleep, thus their sleep pattern does not follow the normal non-REM and REM pattern. However, people suffering from narcolepsy are not aware how and when they fall asleep.

Furthermore, this makes a person’s life in danger when falls asleep in front of a steering wheel while driving other than the sleep apnea. Narcolepsy manifests as excessive sleep during daytime, insomnia and sleep fragmentation, sleep paralysis, hypnagogic hallucinations and cataplexy. There are cases of sleep apnea paralysis wherein a patient is not able to move or talk before sleeping or on waking and this is referred to as sleep paralysis.

In addition, almost 50% of people suffering from this condition experience cataplexy wherein enabling a person to move the muscles. It is due to the non-functional part of REM that is triggered by emotions. In extreme cases, the patient’s jaws and neck becomes weak as well as the knees that could make the patient to collapse. The person is very much awake and knows what is going on although he or she looks asleep and cannot talk. A narcoleptic patient manifests automatic behaviour or doing a task incorrectly and this aggravates the sleep apnea. Narcolepsy is a dangerous condition that when left untreated can lead to death.

Sleep Apnea Equipment

Sleep apnea equipment is used by medical professionals in diagnosing and treating sleep apnea. The pause of breathing that happens during sleep is called sleep apnea and is a life threatening disorder. It can have serious consequences when left undiagnosed and untreated. Fortunately, diagnosis and treatment of such disorder is made easy through the several devices and machines.

When diagnosing the disorder, sleep apnea equipment is used to delineate the type and severity. A sleep test called polysomnogram is conducted overnight to detect the patient’s condition. The neurological arousal shifts is measured during the test to read the patient’s brain wave through an electroencephalogram. Likewise, the blood oxygen is also measured through other equipment. A reliable indication if a person suffers from sleep apnea is when there is a 3 to 4 percent desaturation of blood oxygen and a three-second or greater shift in EEG.

One of the common equipment used as therapeutic intervention known as continuous positive airway pressure or CPAP. Hence, CPAP has three main varieties such as the variable positive airway pressure or VPAP, the automatic positive airway pressure or APAP and the CPAP itself. This type of medical equipment is composed of a long flexible tube and a mask worn over the face and a medical pump about the size of a shoebox.

Ramps are other pieces that are valuable for people who suffer sleep disorder. These equipments have certain features that provide comfort to the patient as well as to verify if it is effective. It allows patients to begin the sleep at a lower pressure and ramp it up afterwards. The heated humidifiers that provide warm and moist air ease the breathing. Compliance motors are equipped in the equipments to determine and measure if the patient is experiencing any event of apnea while using the apparatus.

Some patient found masks as the most important sleep apnea equipment that is effective. It comes in different types that fit securely and comfortably. You can also use les invasive items such as special pillow. This pillow holds the patient’s head in cradle to give ease in breathing. Other patients use the inflatable back cushion to avoid from sleeping on her or his back. Sleep apnea equipment also comes in oral devices like the mouth guard that prevents blockage of the airway passage.

Sleep Apnea- Diabetes

Sleep Apnea – Diabetes is an underlying condition where sleep apnea is frequently occurring especially if you have type II diabetes. Studies show that these two different disorders have a close relationship because most numbers of sleep apnea patients is also type II diabetic. Overweight person is the often prone to this kind of illness although not all obese are diabetic and suffers from apnea. The metabolism of an individual has something to do with sleep apnea diabetes.

Maybe you are wondering how does diabetes is related to sleep apnea. It is important that you get to know first what type II diabetes is. When the pancreas cannot produce adequate insulin or the insulin is not metabolized properly, type II diabetes occurs. This type of diabetes is also called as non-insulin dependent diabetes. The blood sugar level fluctuates because of the glucose. This condition is life threatening when left untreated.

People with obstructive sleep apnea are nine times likely to suffer with type II diabetes, some clinical researches revealed. This is because when a person is obese, the fat deposits build up in the breathing passageways and the throat. Obstruction occurs during sleep when the throat collapses causing the airway to become narrow thus cause sleep apnea. Diabetes aggravates the condition but can be remedied by any of these four specific strategies:

Exercise and healthy diets

  • Following a combination of diet and exercise as well as support of others is more effective for an individual to lose weight. Shedding those unwanted pounds can be obtained by eating at specific times in the day that is also a way to be healthy. You can lose weight and stabilize your blood sugar by controlling your sugar intake from carbohydrates. However, before you begin a diet or plan exercise, you should consult first your doctor. Your doctor will be the one to give you the appropriate eating and exercise plan that will work for your condition.

CPAP therapy

  • Many obstructive apnea patients who used CPAP therapy found out that continuous positive airway pressure reduced the glucose levels. If you have diabetes and suffering sleep apnea, you can try this therapy.

Psychological stress

  • Most persons who suffer sleep apnea diabetes experience emotional pain and self-defeating behaviours. Psychological damage can produce illogical thinking, overeating and other associated behaviour. If you are one of these individual, it is ideal that you talk to a therapist for you to overcome this damage and have a better life.

Medication

  • You still need to take your diabetes medication although you have reached your target weight. Sleep apnea may still be a problem but you can seek surgical options to eliminate apnea. Your doctor will be the one to tell and recommend you to a surgeon. It is important to treat diabetes immediately to prevent sleep apnea. Diabetes that produces sleep apnea can lead to cardiovascular disease when not treated immediately.
8
Jul

Of Women’s liberation, washing machines, chicken, and finishing master classes

Between so much to talk about and so much to do at the same time, there’s not enough hours in the day…but a few things caught my attention this weekend.

Apparently, the washing machine has done more for women’s liberation in the 20th century than the birth control pill or the right to work outside the home. The Vatican’s semi-official newspaper, the l’Osservatore Romano, reckons in an article published in honour of International Women’s day this past Sunday, that the washing machine tops the list. The title of the article cracked me up – ”The Washing Machine and the Liberation of Women – Put in the Detergent, Close the Lid and Relax.”

On another subject, I’m one who celebrates when you come across a good old fashioned case of a success story amidst a maze of doom and gloom that we’ve seen in the past few years from Kenya. This is to do with KCSE results, where a one Velma Nanyama Mukhongo emerged as the top female student of the 2008 cohort.

Totally ridiculous celebration using a chicken as a propI don’t know about you, but there’s something not right with this picture. Did they have to go fuck it up with that chicken?

What is it with the chicken?

This girl has achieved a feat that ranks her up there amongst the brightest in the nation, but that chicken just flushes out all the color out of her achievement. I thought Boma could at least teach her some PR savyness (Wabbuzz would have never let that photo be published next to the name Kenya High School).

And the weekend wouldn’t have been complete without the front runner of the goal of the season from none other than the master of the clinical finish. (Did I mention that I was an Arsenal fan?)….Anyway, it’s like this dude was never away and in a season that has given many an Arsenal fan high blood pressure, his goal provided a much needed shot in the arm and reminded you why you love football.

And on Youtube, I guess no more music videos for those viewing Youtube from the UK. Google and the Performance Rights Society have decided to end talks on a licensing deal to allow for the free broadcast of music videos.

If you asked me, that’s a really stupid move that will only hurt the artists who are struggling to sell CDs in the first place and desperately need the exposure from Youtube. Google know this and think the PRS (which represents artists and their interest) are just a greedy lot that want too much money in royalties. The PRS think that Google can afford it and should stop being tight bastards (considering they earned over $5 billion in the last quarter in advertising revenue on Youtube alone). Meanwhile, UK residents don’t get to watch music videos.

7
Jul

Baptism by Fire- Part II

The other night I was watching an episode of NCIS on TV, which was uncharacteristically eerie and was full of scenes from a funeral home, corpses cut up into meat puzzles, and teeth removed from someone alive to be superglued into a burnt out corpse to give the impression that someone was dead – and could then be falsely identified as dead through the dental records matched to the corpse.

I like NCIS because Mark Harmon who plays Leroy Jethro Gibbs is one of my favorite actors. I like his ice cold demeanor and very dry sense of humor and the ruthless way he manages his navy cops. In this particular episode, they were trying to stop a fucked up family of morticians from draining the blood out of the NCIS medical examiner before mutilating his body in a spiteful and vengeful attack.

For one brief moment, I entertained the thought of putting my bank manager through that experience. I rationalized my thoughts by accepting that some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill – but my thoughts were possibly more sinister.

I didn’t want her to die or anything, just figured that maybe changing her blood would give her a warmer personality and reasoning capacity. So far in my interactions with her, her personality ranked somewhere between that of an asparagus and a fence post, but I was determined not to let her break me down.

I removed the thought of enacting the gory scene from NCIS least because I probably wouldn’t give her a blood transfusion, but pump her body with formalin instead.

I’m reliably told that a small matter of law suggests that to be on the right side of the criminal justice system, someone needs to be certified as dead first (preferably by a coroner) before an infusion of formalin into their bloodless body.

Injecting formalin into someone still alive constitutes an act of unlawful killing, though the argument as to whether this is murder or manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility due to a mental disease or defect is a matter for litigation.

In the last few weeks, I’ve actually done something beneficial from a reflective point of view. Granted, I’ve been forced into it kicking and screaming. I guess through my naivety about the actual scale and impact of this economic crisis I didn’t take on board how easily decisions outside my control would affect things within my control. Short of moving banks, which isn’t as straight forward as they say it is on the adverts on TV, I was stuck with Ms. Bitch here – and frankly speaking, I didn’t at the time of our first meeting, and still have not yet seen how she and I will ever get along.

Our love-hate relationship took a dramatic turn when she suggested that we needed to re-look at my business model.

“Mr. Stone, I accept that you have had a certain kind of relationship with this bank, but you need to accept that things have changed. It’s very naive of you to think that your business isn’t affected”.

There were two things wrong with this picture for me.

First of all, I felt like I was back in high school and in the headmistress’ office being bitch-slapped for a misdemeanor like stealing food from the school dining room over the weekend.

Secondly, not withstanding that I didn’t recall appointing Ms. Bitch here as a director of the business, she was practically dictating strategy to me. I lost the plot when she even had the audacity to suggest that I had been reckless in one or two aspects of how I had run things.

I had to storm out of the room to stop myself getting arrested for assault or a public order offense. How dare she….! Reckless! My entire black ass. This coming from a bank whose directors had just been publicly indicted for casino capitalism that brought the bank to its knees and forced them to come to the public cap-in-hand to bail them out. These fuckers wouldn’t know the Berlin wall came down if it hit them on the way down – talking to me about being reckless…Sheesh!

Being reckless is having a one night stand after a heavy night of drinking, waking up in some strange woman’s house and because you’re still hazed from the alcohol fumes invading your red blood cells, you mistake a tube of Canestan for a tube of toothpaste in your haste to freshen up and get the hell out of there. All you can remember is Ms. One night stand saying “the spare toothbrush is in the cupboard under the sink” and your impaired fucked up self automatically assumes that the tube to the left must be a foreign brand of toothpaste from Lidl or something – coz’ you’ve probably never seen it at Tesco or Asda.

As I stepped out of the building, I found a chap who was actually lighting a new cigarette from the nearly finished one in his other hand. As a former smoker, I know that sign…its unmistakable. This guy was stressed. Stressed enough even not to realize he could have used a lighter to flame up the second coffin nail. So naturally, I struck up a conversation with him, and coincidentally, he had just finished a first meeting with Ms. Bitch who also turned out to be his bank manager.

Jerry (*clearly not his real name*) as I came to understand, was in a much tighter spot than I was. Actually, that’s an understatement. Jerry’s shit was falling apart, and the bank were threatening to withdraw support. You know, it wasn’t until that point, that the reality of what it can feel like for a business to go bust started staring me in the face.

You could see it in Jerry. You could see it in his demeanour, you could hear it in his husky voice and you could tell from how pale he was. It was like he had just had an audience with Lucifer himself and he had been through the undesirable experience of staring at the whites of the devils eyes. Jerry was shit scared.

We went to Starbucks down the road and got chatting and got to know each other.

Jerry’s security company was most definitely going down because of cash flow problems – his overdraft had been yanked from him without enough notice. Both he and his wife were doing additional jobs at evenings and weekends – him driving a taxi and she cleaning – to make ends meet. His meeting with Ms. Bitch was pretty much a formality in confirming to him that his security business was going bust.

Did I just storm out of a meeting with the devil???

6
Jul

Things that really make you go Hmmm!

Gone are the days when parents lambast their kids for watching too much telly or standing too close to the TV – citing reasons like “the TV rays will mess your eyes up” or “too much TV will stunt your growth”. No no! Wafer thin plasma TV’s and flat screen varieties that don’t emit funny rays like the old school type that are too heavy and give burglars hernias during transit are in fashion.

But they too come with their own mortal dangers.

Of late, there’s a growing trend in the UK (or maybe not just out here) of flat screen TV’s mounted on walls or on shelving jumping out at little 2 or 3 year old toddlers and killing them instantly. A parent’s worst nightmare is their child falling from the top of the stairs or God forbid, running innocently onto the road when playing. But I doubt there’s folks out there who occasionally remind themselves “I must do something about that telly on the wall – it’s going to fly out of the wall one day and injure someone – let me make a note of that”.

Considering 4 toddlers have died this year by TV’s jumping out of the wall and crushing them, it’s only a matter of time before ‘elf and safety Mafioso insist that TV manufacturers carry warnings on them – “WARNING! This device is capable of killing unsuspecting toddlers – Suitable for children over 6 years of age”.

On other matters, economic hardships bring out the darker no-nonsense side of tax payers who hawkishly watch how their government is using their hard earned “tak money”, as folks from the deep south of the US of A would say.

The British government have decided to outsource their prison services by building a £1 million prison in Nigeria for the exclusive use of Nigerian criminals who are currently esteemed guests being held at Her Majesty’s pleasure for various transgressions of the law of the land.

It’s the sort of gesture that would make financial sense from the point of view of civil servants rattling their brains to figure out how to cut government spending during hard times, and actually, it does make business sense. But hardcore nationalists see it as a waste of their tax dough which might be better spent in the British Isles. Apparently, there’s some objections already being cited that outsourcing the prisoners back to Nigerland is in breach of their human rights…LOL! This human rights thing is sometimes milked like a nonsense.

They’re probably just miffed that they won’t be getting satellite TV back in Nigeria, access to education and health services, and for the married ones, conjugal visits enshrined in the law of the land. You wonder what’s wrong with just putting them on Con Air straight to Lagos airport for a good ol’ fashioned reception by the local constabulary in Lagos.

In other disturbing developments, this thing called science is beginning to send shivers down my spine. Some freaks of scientists at Newcastle university are on a mission to develop artificial sperm from stem cells. Are we getting to the stage as men where our pro-creative functions will cease to be the ace up our sleeve? Granted, for centuries, there’s been moans and groans from hardcore feminishta types who will go as far as saying women can do without men.

What the hell are these punks in Newcastle trying to do to mankind….LOL! I’m not cool with any excuse that will give women an option of procuring sperm from other sources for the purpose of pro-creation….I guess I’m still the good ol’ fashioned male type who believes that ‘er indoors will continue to be the quintessential warm blooded female who will always pick the real deal for a good going over, rather than this self destructive “I don’t need a man” type nonsense…LOL!

Some scientific experiments need to be shut down, period!

…And on things that just don’t make sense…

  1. You go upstairs to tuck your daughter into bed, maybe read her a bedtime story – basically make sure she sleeps well.
  2. You leave your long term partner aka mshikaji downstairs with your best friend (by the way, your best friend’s boyfriend has blacked out on the sofa)
  3. When you come downstairs, you hear that eerily familiar soundtrack of sexual groans in the kitchen
  4. You catch your man with his trousers around his ankles and your best friend has her legs wrapped tightly around him
  5. Your man tells you he was just showing her his “scar” on his thigh (Clearly I’m getting too old when this is what it’s called these days…LOL!)
  6. You freak out in blind anger, grab a kitchen knife and stab the bastard in his back

And then, you kiss and make up right on the steps of the court that has just bailed you for GBH and you then marry the dude…

Sounds like a script from Jerry Springer…right? Maybe this couple need to be on Jerry Springer.

Notwithstanding the fact that she actually found him with his tojjer inside her friend…LOL! How do you actually opt to live with a woman who has stabbed you. This dude is crazy – actually, both of them are crazy.

5
Jul

Baptism of Fire – Part I

Every so often, life reminds you how cynical and ruthless it can be. It’s the old adage – “In life, you either get fucked or your doing the fucking”. Stone cold advice doesn’t come as succinct as that.

But before I indulge, I think it’s worth clarifying that (as nearly suggested by a couple of Stone Cold readers) my hiatus up in here was clearly not a result of me committing suicide after Man United bitch slapped the hell out of my beloved Arsenal that fateful Tuesday evening in early May at Ashburton Grove.

Alfonse Omosh clearly took this losing to Manure thing to the next level and as much as I advocate the passionate and fanatical support of my beloved Arsenal, committing suicide because of losing a football match tests the boundaries of stupidity of the highest order and ranks right up there with the best candidates for the world famous Darwin Awards – which recognize those who provide a great service to humanity and the survival of our species by eliminating themselves from the human gene pool through their sheer stupidity…but I digress!

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently getting intimately reacquainted with the bunch of punks claiming to provide an essential banking service to my business. You see, my bank has this amazing habit of switching business bank managers more frequently than the number of times most middle aged men get blowjobs in any given calendar year.

I wasn’t even aware that I was on my 7th manager in 2 years, so you can imagine their shock when I asked what happened to the pleasant chap who I used to call once in a while back in the day, talk to about a business overdraft to support my cash flow, exchange a few faxes with some figures and forecasts and a couple of signatures, and just like magic – the suffix DR would appear next to the cash balance in the account, and life would move right along as the bills continue to get paid without overzealous bum rushing from the folks whose correspondence we file under accounts payable.

“I don’t recognize that name”, comes the response to my question about that nice old chap who I obviously thought was my bank manager, and as if to qualify her visibly underlying disregard and contempt for my question which is so vividly characterized by her “Do I look like I give a fuck” facial expression, she nonchalantly summarizes that “maybe he left before I joined, I’ve only been in this division for a year or so”.

I’ll shortly come back to the reasons why against all conventional wisdom, I have to turn to these discredited blood sucking architects of the global financial meltdown, suffice to say that running a business by operating with the stash underneath my mattress is not a viable option.

There’s a historic belief that we men are really crap at multi-tasking, though I would argue that being crap at multi-tasking is a gender independent phenomenon – but you quickly realize the virtues of accepting this argument for the sake of world peace.

So when I decide that now is about as good a time as any to take on new projects, it inevitably means that there are some adjustments to be made in how I run my affairs and hence the need to work differently.

My dilemma is this – a combination of events and activities need to be planned and executed simultaneously for me to pull this off, otherwise it’s a non-starter. Some might argue that maybe an aspect at a time is the way forward, just like it takes some people 6 years to build a house brick by brick. Fuck that! I don’t have 6 years sitting around just waiting for the sake of the pragmatism of ending up with just the one house.

So having decided to go ahead with my strategy, multi-tasking became an inevitable reality. Nothing drastic (*he says LOL! *), just needing to recruit and put in place a project team, train them, put in a performance management system and discipline to make sure the project runs and is profitable, and do a few ‘minor’ things like move to a new office premises lock stock and barrel, find the finances and resources to do this, manage the many relationships needed to keep the project on track, and other small non-important issues like keeping my sanity…just the usual stuff you know.

My solution for dealing with this drama is to side step that whole “men are crap at multi-tasking” thing and leave the organizing to a competent general and field Marshall in the form of my PA. An argument that the multi-faceted nature of what I’m doing is standard issue project management that I can competently oversee is a waste of my energy. Between a feisty PA and ‘er indoors a.k.a ‘the government’ , making an argument that men are good at multi-tasking is a stupid and suicidal move that any man would lose.

Despite what many people think, I’m one of those who believes that the success of a business is totally dependent on my having a good assistant with the capabilities of a field general who can balance the need to organize you with military precision and also bitch-slap you into reality as and when necessary – though I resent that the bitch-slapping is sometimes fuelled (who am I kidding…LOL!)…is always fuelled by ‘er indoors. I’ve come to accept that the best PA you can ever get is one who is literally your second wife but without the sex.

Not that there’s any pressure for her LOL! Just that if the combination of activities fails, then we’re folding our tents and she and other project staff are joining the dole queue to fill in the infamous UB40 form to be handed in with the P45 I issue them. I gather the job market is not a nice place to hang out – what with all the stuff that’s happening with unemployed folk around, but as Rahm Emmanuel famously puts it – “It’s a tragedy to let a good crisis go to waste”, so I prefer to look at the pressure of the situation as motivation to make sure failure is not an option.

That’s why in such cases I comfortably opt for that old age notion of the theory of specialization and the division of labor. The general will organize, and I’ll do what I’m good at. Perhaps what I forgot to mention earlier is that there’s a small matter of the fact that what I’m doing actually needs financing and like most 3 dimensional folks out there, the stash under my mattress won’t suffice.

So my misguided enthusiasm was fueled by the government’s insistence that their multi-billion pound bail out that saved these punks from oblivion is working because banks are now resuming essential lending to small business to support cash flow. Little did I know that my enthusiasm was about to unleash a sequence of hoop jumping nonsensical demands that makes you wonder why the government actually didn’t let some of these banks collapse and fade into oblivion. We would have lived.

What the fuck was I doing forgetting that banks are cold blooded, ruthless blood sucking machines of the establishment that are set up to make money for their shareholders. It’s not rocket science, its Business Finance 101 – “the bank is not your friend, they’re there to make money from you”.

Her Majesty’s Revenue remind me that as a tax payer, I’m actually a share holder of this so called bank, but this was never going to cut the mustard here…

….tbc.

3
Jul

The 12 point guide to shopping for men who have to do it under duress

Impulse buying for me, has this ability to evoke certain blood thumping emotions. It must be a man thing – one of them that easily defines an exercise in futility if you try to understand it.

There are certain conversations that trigger such emotions – say, like “let’s just pop into the supermarket for a sec and grab some things” or “I’m thinking of grabbing a few bits before we get home.”

They have a similar effect to the male psyche when we hear statements like “we have to talk” or “sweetie, I missed my period” or “babes, you remember when I told you that…” – yeah! That kind of feeling.

So when a pit stop at a Tesco petrol station this week turned into a shopping expedition in the supermarket next door, my body defaulted to the “I don’t really wanna be here” mode.

There’s just something about shopping that repels my DNA, and while I accept that it’s a necessity in life, there’s a very big difference between picking a few bits and bobs and going out for “shopping.”

caddy-161016_640I never really get to know how much drama is involved until that humongous trolley is pulled from the trolley parking zone.

And before I can even utter the words “do we really need this giant thing for a few bits”, there’s that almost dismissive “we’re here anyway, I think we should just do all the shopping now” response, served straight with her ‘“what you gon do’ face.

Well, one option is to go back to the car, roll the chair down and just sink off into the music, but once you’ve reached the stage of being at the supermarket door and seeing that ‘what you gon do’ face, you’ll swiftly rule out this option with a quick reminder not to get out of the car next time. Call it the pragmatism of maintaining world peace and harmony. But even then, world peace has its own casualties, and for me, its that nightmare of being in a mega store that I really don’t want to be in.

I don’t know what it is, I’ve just never liked long shopping trips. Even in my bachelor days, I wrote up a list and either made a painful trip with a very short and specific mission of getting only what was on the list, or I sweet talked a shopaholic friend to do the honors for me.

I don’t remember taking many supermarket trips during college as I was broke most of the time anyway. In fact, I spent more time in the store cafeteria having a meal because of their unbelievable bargains than I did while shopping.

Online shopping was God sent. Whoever thought that folks can just sit at home, browse what they need on the web, click a few buttons and lo and behold, a chap would appear at your door with your groceries is a saint. I became a sucker for typing what I needed in the search box, ticking the check box and adding it to my shopping basket.

I guess my laziness in anything shopping doesn’t prepare me well for the sights and sounds of the modern supermarket.

At least with a shopping list, you can make a quick bee line for what you need and you’re out of the place in a short time.

Most supermarkets even allow you to check out your own groceries with this hand held thingybob so that you don’t waste time smiling with folks in the queue for the till and for nosy people to peer into your trolley to examine your habits.

men hate shoppingSo this time, I resolved that I should indulge in the spirit of bayer berocca – you never know, I might like it and its better than precipitating an atmosphere that could easily land me on the sofa. I’d already lost the battle of staying in the car.

‘Er indoors however, enjoys going through the whole supermarket, aisle by aisle. I’m made to understand that this is a normal state of affairs. I never even knew that a supermarket could have a whole aisle of bread and bready like products. I think actually what surprised me more is that we spent more than 15 minutes in this bread aisle looking for cheap, good quality bread.

You see, where I come from, bread is either cheap or it’s good quality but it’s not both. So this is a totally new concept for me. It also occurred to me that I didn’t know the price of a loaf of bread…Is this normal? Actually, forget I asked….

Let’s just say that the trip to grab a few bits and bobs ended us with a huge trolley that I could easily sit comfortably in being full with stuff that I didn’t even realize we needed in the house. Just set aside the fact that we were meant to do this shopping anyway, it’s just that we moved from “let’s just pick a few bits and bobs” to a full blown shopping trip under duress.

There was a bonus though – I got to understand those figures in my bank statement better. Like I said before, the price that I thought bread was apparently was the price in 1996. Go figure.

Next time, I’m carrying my 12 point guide to shopping for men who have to do it under duress. Guys, this was sent to me a few years back by a friend and it works if you’re dragged kicking and screaming for them shopping trips. I should have had it with me.

Health warning though: You might end up in the doghouse, or worse still, the only hanky panky you’ll be getting for a while is from late night adult TV subscription.

My fellow brethren, if you’re dragged into a shopping trip under duress, this is what you should do to get out of it next time:

  1. Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them into people’s trolleys when they aren’t looking.
  2. Walk up to an employee, tap them on the shoulder and say in an official sounding voice “code 3 in house ware” and then watch what happens.
  3. Move the ‘CAUTION: Wet floor’ sign to a carpeted area.
  4. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the feminine products aisle.
  5. Set off all the alarms in house ware to go off in 5 minute intervals.
  6. Set up a tent in the outdoors clothes department and tell the customers that you’ll only invite them in if they bring sausages and a gas stove.
  7. When the manager asks if they can help you, just burst out crying and scream “why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
  8. While picking and choosing kitchen knives in the housewares area, approach a member of staff with the knives in hand and ask them where the anti depressants are.
  9. Hide in the clothing rack and when people are browsing, yell “pick me, pick me”
  10. Run around the supermarket suspiciously humming loudly to the theme tune of Mission Impossible
  11. When an announcement comes over the loud speakers, coil down in a foetal position and scream “No, no, no – it’s those voices again”
  12. Walk into a changing room and lock yourself in, and after a while, shout loudly “there’s no toilet paper in here”
3
Jul

Unique ceiling fans

The vast majority of homeowners take pride in their properties, wanting to make them as appealing as resources allow. Do it yourself home improvement, in fact, has become a multibillion dollar industry, as the success of home improvement stores like The Home Depot and Lowe’s can attest. No one ever wants to live in the least attractive home in the neighborhood.

So any home improvement products which can add to a home’s visual appeal are always in demand. Those which can also add to its energy efficiency and lower its energy costs are few and far between, and the most common of the rare is the home ceiling fan.

While basic unadorned ceiling fans can certainly help reduce energy costs, they do not add much to the decor of the rooms they are cooling. Décor conscious homeowners who are looking for ways to impress should consider installing one of the hundreds of unique and modern ceiling fans which will definitely open the eyes of their guests.

Unique ceiling fans can be so intricate in their detailing and lighting fixtures that they will automatically become the focus of any rooms in which they are installed. Some manufacturers, like Famination and Regency Ceiling Fans, are known for their collections of unique ceiling fans.

In the twenty plus years wince they began, Fanimation has built a reputation for their unique ceiling fans designed to accommodate numerous conditions. Fanimation was the first to introduce three styles of unique ceiling fans: The Islander, with the first palm leaf shaped blades; The Palisade, with vertically, rather than horizontally, rotation blades; and The Punkah, with its line of side to side fan blades extending for up to twenty-four feet, and moving in side to side synchronization.

The unique ceiling fans from Regency Ceiling Fans are available through their proprietary Décor Match Collection, which offers customers the chance to select all the components for their ceiling fans from among twenty three different model lines. The can choose whichever components will be best for their individual décor, resulting in a perfect complement to their interior.

If you’re looking for unique ceiling fans to use outside your home, you could do worse than to consider Hunter’s No Rust fan. These fans with sealed motors, housed in stamped aluminum and with corrosion resistant coating and weatherproof blades will give you years of outstanding exterior cooling comfort. And their motors have limited lifetime warranties.

Unique ceiling fans, in short, are unique for a variety of reasons. But the one thing they have in common is that each will add a distinctive styling or performance characteristic to your home, making it just a little more appealing than its neighbors!

3
Jul

Hunter Douglas Ceiling Fans

The 21st century has begun as the century of the consumer. There is no way to escape, in market-driven economies, the constant stream of new products and technologies which, accurately or not, are represented as better than anything which has preceded them. Nothing, it seems, can be offered unless it is a new and superior version of something already available, and if it is not offered by the manufacturers of the existing product, it is certain to be offered by their competitors.

Marketing of this nature is a deliberate attempt to play on people’s desires to have state of the art products. But the constant influx of new consumer items can have a backlash. Consumer loyalty is at an all-time low, and simply adding some substanceless polish to an already established technology may lure them away from the inventors of the technology to its polishers.

For one product maker to stay in the forefront of its industry, given the competitive nature of business, is a remarkable feat and accomplished only with a long-established record of reliable customer service and dependable products.

With over one hundred and twenty years under its belt as one of the oldest ceiling fan makers in the US, Hunter Douglas has achieved that sort of standing, both in the echelon of ceiling fan manufacturers and in the esteem of its customers.

The original Hunter Douglas ceiling fans were powered by systems of belts running off steam turbines, but the company began its policy of innovation very early in its history, and the Hunter ‘Original’ line of cast iron Hunter Douglas ceiling fans has been in continuous production for over a century, longer than any other fan in history.

The “Original” Hunter Douglas ceiling fans are now sold as “Classic Originals” and are a line with several different models. Because of their long history the Original Hunter Douglas ceiling fans may be the most recognizable on Earth, and had a shaded pole motor until the 1980s. While production of the Original Hunter Douglas Ceiling Fans was move overseas from the US in 2003, their appearance as it has always been.

The Original has survived so long because its simple design and substantial construction, along with its exceptionally powerful motor, kept it ahead of competition from more stylish imported fans. Hunter Douglas ceiling fans are the standard bearers of the industry, embodying what consumers expect in terms of performance and reliability.

Hunter Douglas ceiling fans, quite simply, are the simply designed utilitarian fans with a popularity to which the rest of the ceiling fan industry can only aspire. They have withstood the test of time, and all the market pressures to sacrifice quality for cosmetics. For their loyal and growing customer base, that seems to be all that’s necessary!

3
Jul

Remote Controlled Ceiling Fans

There are infrared hand held remote controls available to operate almost any home appliance. If you have a television, you know exactly how they work. The remote control technology has been adapted for brightening and dimming lights, or raising and lowering electronic window shades in home theaters, and remote controlled ceiling fans have now joined the list.

Imagine being able to relax in your recliner or lie in bed and adjust the speed of your ceiling fan, or even turn it on of off without having to move. Remote controlled ceiling fans offer cutting edge convenience when compared to pull chain or even wall switch controlled models. For rooms with cathedral ceilings, in fact, remote controlled ceiling fans are practically a must.

Remote controlled ceiling fans are equipped with sensors, usually built in to their switch housings or canopies, which respond to the infrared beams from the handheld control units. If you intend to install a remote controlled ceiling fan with lighting, both the fan and the lights will be triggered by the receiver in the fan’s canopy, so you’ll only need one hot lead when wiring the fan and lights.

If your home has existing pull chain ceiling fans, you can turn them into remote controlled ceiling fans simply by buying add on kits with sensors and hand units. While the installation wiring of add-on kits varies from brand to brand, most of the time they require the receiver to be connected to the home’s wiring and the fan connected to the receiver.

Modern Fan Accessories offers the electronic handheld remote add on kit which will allow independent control of both the fan and lighting off a single circuit with one hot and one neutral wire. This particular add on kit can control a fan with three speeds and lights with a complete dimming range. It retails for $53.99.

Even among factory installed remote controlled ceiling fan systems, however, there are degrees of sophistication. The most advanced of them may be Casablanca Ceiling Fans’ IntelliTouch remote controlled ceiling fans.

The IntelliTouch remote can be programmed with ceiling fan and fan lighting settings; it can also sense changes in the temperature of a room and regulate the fan’s speed accordingly. For those times when you home is empty overnight, your IntelliTouch remote controlled ceiling fans’ lighting can be set to turn on and off at different times to thwart possible intruders.

Remote controlled ceiling fans, whether those direct from the factory, or those which have been upgraded after purchase, offer their users tremendous convenience and maximum efficiency of operation. They are, without a doubt, the new ceiling fan standard!

2
Jul

Things that make you go Hmmm!

It was only a matter of time before people decided to unleash their own brand of justice on those who transgressed against them and brought down the financial system that wiped out their lifelong savings.

This one is the stuff of legend…and what Hollywood is made of – not the typical and predictable attacks on the luxury home of say the disgraced and former RBS CEO Fred the shred. Sir Fred not only shafted his RBS employees, but laughed all the way to the bank with a platinum pension as a reward for breathtaking incompetence, so it wouldn’t be unusual to register a vigilante attack on his property by say a disgruntled former employee of RBS or something….

But a group of senior citizens in their 70’s in Germany decided that natural justice was the only course of action for a financial investor who lost £2 million of their lifelong savings by gambling it on the markets. Not only did they kidnap and torture the poor bastard, they chased him down the street and bundled him back into a car when he tried to escape. You’ve got to love that.

Read the story here

During his alleged confinement in an unheated cellar, Mr. Amburn, 56, claims he was burned with cigarettes, beaten, had two of his ribs broken was hit with a chair leg and chained up “like an animal.”

Mr. Amburn also told the police: “Then they bound me with masking tape until I looked like a mummy. It took them a while because they run out of breath”.

Where can I register a contribution to the legal fees of these model no nonsense senior citizens who are now facing over 15 years in jail??? These guys deserve public recognition for having the balls to say – fuck it! They’re not getting away with it.

On other matters, I always figured there will come a time when the environmental fascists and bureaucrats lose the plot. Or maybe it’s just fear of local councils in the UK being branded ungreen that makes them venture into zones that make you wonder who sits down and thinks these things, or more importantly, who gets paid public money to sit down and think these things

Apparently now, a local council in West Yorkshire are forcing grieving relatives to only use environmentally friendly anti-pollution eco-shrouds to cover their loved ones for cremation. Gone are the sentimental gestures of sending a loved one off in their favorite outfit, or football jersey or with some cuddly toys….No no! It ain’t good for the environment! Sheesh! And this is policy?

Speaking of matters of the next world (since we’re already in that zone)…why is it that folks are over nice when they’re asked to comment on the death of someone they knew. Recently in the news, you can’t avoid coming across public statements from lawyers or neighbours of bereaved folks with comments like:

“She was always bubbly and lit the room whenever she walked in, she would do anything for anyone And had a very big heart” or “he was such a caring and loving person and always showed great empathy in whatever he did, or he always said hello and smiled”…yada yada yada!

I’m not one to put a stone cold dump on things, but the law of averages would suggest that the notion that every deceased person was “good guys” is false. Maybe folks are just freaked out about talking ill of the dead lest their own notice period is brought forward. What happened to good ol’ fashioned honesty where folks just stood up at a funeral and said something like “This fucker was a nasty piece of work! I’m just here to make sure he’s dead”….though I would suspect that it wouldn’t go down well – but my point here is the pretence of niceness…LOL!

Moving on, I’ve always wondered if news producers and news programmes realize how stupid they look with the way they try and make things real by sending correspondents “to the thick of the action” so to speak. Take note next time you watch the news to see what I mean. It could be the 10 o’clock news and they’d have a correspondent standing out at night in the freezing cold outside a building that’s got its lights switched off, and everyone has gone home, and the correspondent who is clearly freezing and it shows, says something like:

“I’m standing here outside the ABC or XYZ building where earlier on today 3 men were arrested…” so on and so forth. For one, its freezing cold. Secondly, everyone has gone home. What the fuck are they doing standing outside the building. Also, the folks arrested are probably in a police cell somewhere and not in that building. Why can’t they just report from the warmth of the studio and if they need to, show recorded pictures?

Or for those who start a news report by saying “Our correspondent is at the scene” yet they’re reporting from 3 miles down the road from the scene of the hot news coz they can’t get anywhere near it….What is the point?

Now phone manufacturers are losing the plot. Not only do they have a range of mobile phones for 6 to 9 year olds, they’re now marketing a cell phone for 4 year old kids. This little gadget of creativity has apparently got two buttons – one with a man and one with a woman. This is so the kid can press the button of the man to call daddy and the woman to call mummy…

I’m actually more concerned about the circumstances that would lead to a 4 year old having to use such a phone considering that they’re probably with the mum or the dad or both at any given waking hour, unless they’re in nursery school. It’s not that they’re going to go shopping at Sainsbury’s by themselves and call back home to ask if you wanted the 4 pack of lager or the 6 pack instead which is on sale!